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6 Things You Can Blame for Pretty Much Anything

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national-blame-someone-else-day-02Trent Fitz  >> 

Zenoss hybrid IT monitoring software eliminates finger-pointing between IT teams by providing a unified view of cloud and data center environments. But since today is National Blame Someone Else Day, we wanted to offer this list of awesome scapegoats, for whatever reason(s) you may need them.

Solar Flares

The google tells us that solar flares are a brief eruption of intense, high-energy radiation from the sun's surface, associated with sunspots and causing electromagnetic disturbances on the earth. Um, did you say electromagnetic disturbances google? Solar flares could be the mother of all computer-related excuses. You might want to use this scapegoat if you:

  • Accidentally deleted the only copy of your company’s CRM database
  • Enabled all logging on your gateway router and brought it to its knees
  • Clicked on a phishing email and infected every desktop in your HQ office

The Soviet Woodpecker Interference Grid

In the 70’s and 80’s the Soviet Union had over-the-horizon radar called Duga systems. The Duga radar systems were extremely powerful and broadcast in the shortwave radio bands. They appeared without warning, sounding like a sharp, repetitive tapping noise at 10 Hz, which led to the systems being nicknamed by shortwave listeners the Russian Woodpecker. There was/is speculation that the systems were used for mind control, weather control, and assorted other nefarious things. Though the systems seemed to disappear in 1989, they’re still a completely legitimate scapegoat. Maybe they just figured out how to go undetected while they control your mind. You might want to blame the Soviet woodpecker interference grid if you pull a bonehead maneuver like:

  • Oversleeping because your alarm clock didn’t go off
  • Getting caught playing angry birds during a meeting
  • Asking your boss if she’s gained weight

Penguins

Some people think penguins are cuddly and adorable but let’s just agree that they are creepy. Hey penguins, is that skin or feathers? Are you seriously going to just waddle around with your beady eyes and act like you’re not up to something? News flash: we’re on to you and your secret language. You might want to blame penguins if you:

  • Pulled the wrong hot swap and killed a RAID 0
  • Plugged the monitors into the battery-backup side of the UPS, but the servers into the surge-protection-only side
  • Had your password compromised because it was written on a sticky note stuck to your monitor

Canada

Oh Canada. You big loveable lug. With your toques and your Loch Ness Monster wannabe Ogopogo and your UFO landing pad. Canadians are a pleasant bunch who rarely cause trouble for others. That’s what makes this unsuspecting group a prime target for blame. Everyone knows you wouldn’t blame Canada if they hadn’t actually done whatever awful thing you’re blaming on them. While your audience is considering the feasibility of an entire country being guilty of your crime, start chanting USA and wait for them to carry you out of the room on their shoulders. Canada is the ideal blame-ee if you:

  • Tried to kick the HQ office door open and had the glass door shatter
  • Accidentally hit enter after you jokingly typed rm –rf /*
  • Let out an offensive odor that wafts into the adjacent cubicles

Voices

Let’s be clear about this one – they’re going to think you’re a nut job when you use it. So only blame the voices when the infraction calls for extreme measures. Let’s also be clear about this – just because the voices told you to do it doesn’t mean it’s not an awesome idea. It just often requires explaining when you do what the voices tell you to do. You should consider blaming the voices when you do things like:

  • Forwarding the then-breaking Paris Hilton naughty movie, as a giant email attachment, to nearly everyone in your address book using the in-house standalone mail server, taking all company email offline for a day
  • Typing 'DROP DATABASE' in the production window, rather than the window for the development environment
  • Opting to not wash your hands on your way out of the bathroom (voices are the only option for this one)

Global Warming

Even though global warming is totally a fad, there’s some opportunity ripe for blame here. While Canada is living it up harvesting icebergs, the rest of us are sweating bullets and dealing with the consequences of our actions. Global warming is a prime blame target when:

  • Servers are overheating because you forgot to pay the electricity bill to run AC in the data center
  • Your upper lip is sweating because you’re telling blatant lies to explain why your project is 3 months behind schedule and $10k over budget
  • You have offensive b.o.

 

Be social and hashtag this special day #blamesomeoneelseday

 

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